Right ladies, (and those gents that may be reading this who are inclined that way.) We are going to talk about the penis. The willy. The Johnson. The Dick. The cock. The dangly bits which all men are very proud of in life. It starts with boys at a young age, they are fascinated, it seems. Nathan was no different. At three years old, I vividly remember collecting him from pre-school being handed my child who was not wearing the same clothes he had on that morning – in fact the clothes he had on were not even his. His shoes were given to my in a plastic zip lock bag in a pool of yellow liquid. Nathan, and the other boys in his group of friends had been playing machine guns. With their willies. In the bathroom at pre-school, and had taken great pleasure in peeing all over themselves and each other while making shooting noises. The staff were very apologetic, but these things happen – we were just not sure who’s pee was covering his shoes so they went in the bin.
News today broke, well if you can call it news, that someone, somewhere, has decided to plot a map of erect penis sizes and how they differ around the world. I can not begin to imagine who’s job that was and how this data was collected, nor can I make head nor tail as to what use it is going to give to the world. Is it for the women? Do we need to know that men in Australia are above average, and the sterotype of men from Asia, seems about right too.
Now, I have seen a fair few of the dangly bits in my time as a woman, and I can tell you they do come in varying shapes and sizes. Each one unique, just like its owner. Surprisingly though, and I am sure that most women can share this with you as well, bigger is not always better. For men reading this, it may give them a shock, but its the truth.
Now, I have heard the arguments, had the debates with male friends over their appendages – “A baby comes out of there, surely you like a big one to fill the hole?” “Bigger is better, feel it right up inside you?” “But that’s where your G Spot is?”
The answer is quite frankly, no. Yes, a baby does come out of there, our bodies adapt over months while we grow a tiny human inside of us. We go through hours of pain and suffering to bring another human into the world, that does not mean we want something massive shoved back up our vajayjays. Once a baby is out, we may need stitches, but our bodies do quite quickly go back to normal, and depending on the pelvic floor muscles that we tone and use to make sure we do not wet ourselves when we sneeze – that is what makes it feel “tight” not because we have pushed a human from our bodies. And do not even bother to get me started on C-sections and what men think about that. No, bigger is not better, we have a limit on what can go up in there – its not a black hole of nothingness, and the G-Spot, well if you are looking for that near someones belly button, you are in the wrong place.
With this map, it has left me to wonder why places such as Canada and Greenland have no data available. Could this be because it is too cold to get accurate readings? I guess unless someone volunteers to go and arm themselves with a ruler and clip board, we will never know.