Dating Disasters

*Warning – contains topics of an adult nature and swearing.*

Online dating is a scary place. My last four long term relationships have been with people I have met online. 18 years ago when I would say that my, then boyfriend, and I met online there were looks of horror and concern – especially from my parents who thought I had been brainwashed by a cult! Now, Internet dating is the norm, and to be honest, I would think it’s the method of choice for many these days.

With many Internet dating sites being free, you get your fair share of oddballs. With the search terms on many worldwide, you get oddballs from all over the world, not just the ones local to you, which can be quite scary and off putting at times. The whole process is maddening as you are asking for instant judgement based on a couple of photos and a few questions. If you manage to find someone who is, apparantly, compatible with you, who’s profile picture doesn’t look too horrific, and who’s questions don’t automatically make you think “serial killer”, an exchange of messages can lead to a first date.

This is where many men fall short of the mark, I have found. I went on a string of first dates last year that ranged from boring to cringe worthy. I have one rule for my online dating profile, be honest and do not try and make out to be something that I am not. I know I am a 30-something, single mum, who’s body resembles more of a bouncy castle than a temple, I am short, quirky and sarcastic. If you can get passed all that, then there is a good chance we can be friends.

So, I am guessing you would like to hear about some of the more cringe worthy dates I have had in my time? Of course you would, that is why you are here!

Each of these dates is a first date situation with a different man. Each of these was most certainly a do not pass go, do not collect £200 and head directly to jail.

Date one – meet for coffee, wander round town and then cinema.
We met in a small coffee shop and the first thing I noticed was his voice. Nasally and droning with no tone or pitch. He decided to tell me the history of coffee, with each pause he would places his fingers either side of his nose and stroke it, like a man would stroke a long beard. Not only that, he would make a humming noise from his nose at the same time, and start every sentence with “Hmmmmmmmm, wellllll…..”

By the time I had drunk my coffee I was ready to go. I could not last a full movie with him and made an excuse to leave. Later that night he texts to say that the date was wonderful and he still enjoyed the movie, even though I was not there, but he can give me a recap if I liked! Ummm nope!

Date two – coffee
We decided to meet at a bar in a local hotel near to where I lived. Safe, nutral ground, I knew the place well and it is walking distance to home as well. We meet and he seems quite normal. Conversation is flowing, but the longer we stay the more anxious he becomes. His eyes are everywhere looking for something. I finish my first coffee and put my cup back on the saucer when he stands up and announces we should go. I was shocked, 45 mins, shortest date I had ever had. Obviously I was not his type, never mind. We walk out to the car park and he offers to drive me home, I pass as it’s just round the corner. He looks sheepish and leans in and whispers “Does this mean I cannot wank on your boobs in the car?”
I am not sure how long it took me to get over the shock of that one, of course I said no! He said the date was lovely and that he would like to see me again, in his car…. I declined and said I was thinking of stepping out of the dating game for a while. Which I did.

Date three – lunch and a walk along the canal
A simple date, the day was quite lovely. He came by train and we had lunch. We walked along the canal and fed ducks. Conversation was easy and before we knew it his train home was due. Standing on the platform he breaks down in floods of tears and holds me close. “I love you, I love you so much! I do not want to live a life without you!!” At this point people were starting to stare and I was ridged. I think something along the lines of “I forgot, I need cat biscuits, I must go”, came out. But I prised myself out of the death grip and walked briskly away while he sobbed into a monogrammed hanky.
The following week he emailed to ask if he could move in with me…..

Date four – dinner at his, as his children were home
I was invited round to his for a cooked dinner. He was a foodie and wanted to impress me with his cooking. Over dinner he asked what I read. My blank expression was lost on him, I replied “Books?” He laughed and said I was too witty. What he actually meant was, what university did I study at. When I explained I had worked at a uni but not actually studied there, his jaw hit the floor and stumbling over his words he asked “But how do you live and work? You said you write? How? You must be so poor?” As he held 2 doctorates from Oxford, he could not contemplate how people in the world can live and get by without a bit of paper. I left shortly after dinner.

Date five – dinner and drinks
The wine was flowing for him, I always stay sober as I drive and like to keep my wits about me if I am out. The meal was lovely. Conversation was was easy and he was laughing in the right places telling me how funny I was. He listened to my previous dating hiccups and looked on in horror.
As the evening went on, he leaned into my ear and whispered, “Can I tell you my fantasy? I long to seduce a water nymph, to make her come up the bank of the river to see me and then have sex with her in a muddy puddle in the open air. Would you like that? Would you be my water nymph? You are just the right height.”
Woah, hold on there! There is fantasy, as if 50 shades of shit, and there is gnomes, goblins, nymphs and fairies type fantasy. They do not mix, unless you are randomly twisted. Ok, yup, you are – you own a gnome costume. Right… I am off.

This is just a few of the dates. There are plenty more. Please let me know if you would like to hear more of my random encounters and please share your first date horrors too!

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